What made me decide to take an appointment with Kate was the announced length of her massage. A friend of mine, whom I trust, had sent me a message telling me that a certain Kate would be in Chiang Mai, where I am residing, for a few days. She is a trained therapist in Tantric Journey bodywork, wrote my friend, and her tantric massage can last up to 5 or 6 hours.
I was really curious. How is it possible to give a massage for 5 or even 6 hours? How is it possible to receive a massage for 5 or 6 hours? I had massages done before. They were always in the traditional 1hr30 to 2hrs length set up. But here we had 5 to 6 hours, and 'Tantric' at that... So, I booked an appointment with Kate.
We met. We walked to her 'sacred space', the room where she was practicing. We talked.
We took a shower --separately. I undressed, covering my body with a sarong. She started massaging. I lost track of time. I lost track of which movements she was doing on my body. I just knew I was being massaged, caressed, and loved. Soon I entered a kind of 'zone', or trance state, where I just wanted to remain with my eyes closed, my attention and awareness drawn inside. The limits of my body I usually identify with were losing their rigidity and expanding in space.
After some time I found myself on my back, my body uncovered, and Kate very gently massaging my lower abdomen. I any other similar situation I would have felt embarrassed, or aroused, probably both. But here, not at all. There was in me a feeling of total and unconditional acceptance of the present moment. My heart and my whole being were basking in a state of beatitude.
We are reaching the limits of words here, but if I have to describe this state I can only say that it was an emotional compound of, simultaneously, divine bliss, absolute and total acceptance of the moment, and the bubbly joy of a very young child. And it was timeless.
During Kate's massage I also had insights, new insights that decades of meditation practice hadn't had revealed, of some parts of my body being emotionally numb, or having been emotionally 'anesthetized', other parts not wanting to be touched, others wanting very much to be touched. I was discovering myself.
I also felt that, during Kate's massage, I was emotionally shedding, or more precisely 'vomiting', at a very subtle level the deep-rooted conditioning I went through in an earlier part of my life.
And then there was love. All the time during the many hours of Kate's massage. The love that cares intensely. The love that is permanent, even if consciously we do not feel it. The love that only wants the welfare of the other, and doesn't ask anything in return. It just is. It just loves. All the time. It cannot be stopped. The love that only knows loves, and nothing else. The love that doesn't depend on anything, and is completely self-sufficient.
The love that is beyond duality.
Without this love there is no Tantra, or genuine Tantra.
Whenever loves stops, Tantra stops right there.
Thank you, dearest Kate, for having made me discovered all this.